i think i know what love is

“The wings beneath our spirits are the chains around our hearts.”

‘What is Truth’ – the most ancient, enduring, and timeless question of all time. I think the reason for this is quite simple; paradox, or self-contradiction if you like. I think gauging truthfulness to an idea or reality should be proportional to its paradox-like nature. Real truth doesn’t make sense, because within it, finiteness, linearity, cause and effect, and finally “if this, then this” do not have their stage to act upon. So this is a huge topic in itself (especially in theology/philosophy), but I would like to try to apply it to love… in a logical manner  : )

I think Love is PURE Freedom – the only freedom powerful enough to RENOUNCE freedom itself. I am convinced that no other form of freedom can, and must, and has the power to surrender itself.

This synthesizes the truth paradox. It is in love and through love that we are free enough (and I would say FORCED) to want/desire to be bound! But Bound to what? – to Love… at last freedom from I and Me! This is a deranged commitment, which liberates our spirits but chains our hearts. I believe that all of Life is measured and calibrated around this commitment. (The truest of maxims – A joyful person, IS a loving person.)

Love is to chain yourself to that person(s) while at the same time making no conditions upon which that love is sustained, and this is pure freedom. (Why is love in this selfish world so often nothing like this?! lack of trust, lack of security etc. etc.)

((Tangent: if this is the love of God – which every Christian preaches – then how the hell can they even think that this God of love would place conditions(s) upon Salvation; his fellowship, his love!! ‘because the bible says so?? I would, as sensitively as possible, ask this person to turn on their god-given-minds for just a moment; it might be painful, but maybe Truth, Pain and Freedom come as the truest of trinities. Maybe who God is and how He is revealed to us goes deeper than the black and white of several de-contextualized pages; just maybe)).

Not a new idea of course! – ‘Agape’ love perhaps. The unconditional love of our parents and heavenly Father (as some understand it)… but for me this cannot simply be one form of love, it IS love. Real love, real truth, and pure freedom. I suggest that agape love stops being a form of love but becomes the one and only vital component in every species of love.

The worst part about this Truth is that often we are alone with it. Love is pure freedom, but it takes… associates..  : )

“The wings beneath our spirits are the chains around our hearts.”

Reason: the Servant in a King’s Robe

A few months ago i met a czech guy at the laundry place just down from my apartment. I wasn’t sure how the machines worked so i asked a random bystander who happened to be an intern for Nato. we began discussing and when he told me he was from Prague i asked him if he had ever heard of Jan Huss. He smiled, then looked at me curiously and asked me how i knew of Jan Huss. I explained that i had studied theology and that he was a guy that i had come to appreciate. (Even partly paving the road for Martin Luther.) It seemed strange for him that someone like myself, a soldier, had studied theology so he asked me why. i told him that religion was the essence of culture and culture the dress of religion, and that for this reason, understanding humanity was impossible without understanding their idea of the Almighty – which is in a sense a strange reflection of themselves.

Anyhow he then told me that he believed the three Greatest influences on humanity were the Greeks (for Philosophy), the Romans (for Politics), and Christianity (for the control and abuse of both). In a way, i couldn’t disagree with his synopsis. Fair enough, i thought to myself.

When we think of Reason – the power of the mind to think, understand, and form judgments by a process of logic – the Greeks should immediately come to mind. This process, whether we are willing to admit it or not, is not a fixed absolute methodology. It is logic based on a Greek system of thought. Now the laws of nature are absolute, which means that there should definitely be some universality when it comes to reasoning… but alas, this doesn’t seem to be the case. this is quickly apparent when we try to philosophically reason with people from very different cultures/religions.

Our Western reason requires explanation. I need to know why for everything. And the logic must be comparable to other known realities. But my why is biased… because i already have an idea of what i want to think. So that reason is greatly influenced by… well, let’s say Desire. Ultimately, as much as the Greeks wanted Reason to be a God in itself, WE are still gods over it… and our desire will always reign over Reason. Always. It is no different today. Society is attempting to replace God with Science. But in reality, nothing changes, except names. priests in white robes become scientists in white coats. Society had God before, and God was Good… but human desire was still supreme ruler. Today we have science, and science is also good, but human desire is still supreme ruler. what we desire to be real… Becomes real in its consequence.

now is the cure to this interminable infection the removal of desire (as buddhism suggests)? perhaps… but i hope not. Desire is not all bad… but often desire is inconsiderate, which makes it dangerous as far as societies are concerned. My desire often prevails. So what is my point? – Reason is a myth. it is a socially accepted vehicle for serving humanity’s real Lord and Master, Desire. Like the corrupt Church beforehand.

We need God… We need Love. We need the His Word. We need mysticism and mystery, we need to be enchanted by an all powerful, uncontainable, and indescribable Being. it is the only thing which can over-rule Desire – transform it into Love. it is the only thing powerful enough to make humans think twice about causing pain, destroying, casting insults, starting wars, killing, and most importantly worrying only about themselves. If a Just and Loving being is in the center of the universe, people will stop fearing for themselves. Fear… that which is the opposite of Love. Fear.People are so afraid, and this fear drowns out Love. We are naturally reflective being… we see smiles, we smile. we see laughter, we laugh. we see love, we love. This is our innocence, this is humanity without fear… this is humanity holding a new born baby. I am convinced that even the most evil men and women smile when holding something so innocent, so harmless. There is no reason not to. As usual, and as is always the answer to all things, Love. love is harmless… and therefore ironically the most powerful actuality in the universe.

Reason is the accepted vehicle for reaching Desire. Desire will induce Fear, as immediately Desire begins to compete and worry about other Desires that may overrule it. Every one becomes a potential enemy… everyone becomes potentially harmful. inevitably – on reflective beings – this pervasive Fear has enormous consequences. Everyone receives a default setting of “potentially harmful.” This insidious human infliction is contagious and never stops destroying what Could be. We are all people who can only smile and immediately love a tiny harmless toddler. If only we could all see each other as harmless (as not competing against our desires), we would also smile and love each other without any effort, letting our true default setting be unchanged. letting our true default setting be Free at last. . .

M a g i c

… people who believe in something greater than themselves tend to have a different feel about them. they are forced to wonder… forced to look above – forced to live haunted by a great mystery. it changes people, obviously. it removes our somewhat trivial lives from center stage and creates an enchanted mist. i once heard a theologian say that the world has become disenchanted. . .  and that so much has been lost because of this. we are curious/thirsty beings who look up and thrive on ‘more-ness,’ on grandeur… on the ’super’-natural. our spirits don’t want to be in the center.. they want to be part of something beyond – simply something beyond.

The universe is too big to be contained… the world is too unexplained to be known. how can this simply be. – religion is the byproduct of these notions… of these (universal) feelings and observations. soon we will stop wanting to conquer mystery… that will be the day. to remove limits is to live in an enchanted world again…

i love YOU

… of course – people tend to only love those who love them. is there anything more ultimately egocentric? it’s crazy how much we have romanticized this word… love … how much we have dressed it up and then fantasized about it. it’s like water… we need it, we desire it, it is a vital life ingredient – because it keeps us healthy and well. it keeps us feeling special… it keeps us feeling valuable. sometimes people who are loved a lot have urges to shed it upon others. just like when you’ve been given lots of money. hmm… maybe love is fueled by egoism… but is in itself, Perfect. now all we have to do is change the fuel, but how? … i guess, as i have mentioned before, it’s just the wrong word. we confuse love and desire all the time. love today really means desire… ephemeral and self-centered.

Love is truly unattainable… for love is God and God is perfect. And only when we are perfect will we be able to love. really love. until that day… we can only and simply Desire. but because we don’t like this reality – we will dress up desire so that it looks like love. we will dream and fantasize.. we will bring back the myth of altruism to a people desperately in need of it. . .

god is weak and powerless in the world

“God would have us know that we must live as men who manage our lives without him. The God who is with us is the God who forsakes us (Mark 15:34)… Before God and with God we live without God. God lets himself be pushed out of the world onto the cross [Emphasis mine]. He is weak and powerless in the world. And that is precisely the way, the only way, in which he is with us and helps us. Matthew 8:17 makes it quite clear that Christ helps us, not by virtue of his omnipotence, but by virtue of his weakness and suffering.” (Bonhoeffer, Letters and Papers from Prison.) 

How do you understand this? 

being honest: memories and Gap Love & warfare

(’so i sit here – listening to the most haunting music i have ever heard in my life. i feel… at a loss for words, trying to find something… but realize that is exactly it – there is nothing. the melody forces me to go deep, so deep that i don’t know where i am or what to do… my throat swells up and i can no longer close my eyes…’)

to be moved, to be stirred to the point where my feelings are so overwhelmed that expression simply stalls… music can sometimes do this, but… mostly thoughts from the past. i think about those i have loved (and still do), i think about those i have lived and felt life with and begin to stall. desire and loss. loss is a horrible feeling… desire is a strong feeling… and there you have it, a strong horrible feeling. going back in time rarely brings happy feelings… it brings reality right to my face. “pierre, it’s over and it will never be again. never.” that kills me… that thought drowns my spirit, darkens my dreams. . .

and apparently… it is the story of a healthy life. of course we move on… thank God. we replace. fill the gaps. and voila, like new. but this truth doesn’t help me. i have loved and lost, like most of you. i have left friends and homes… almost too many times to count now. the first time i could barely breath. now… now i just turn away and go. I used to think i was important… i used to think i made the world spin. it makes me smile today… now, i see myself as an accessory. ironically, when i was younger i dreamed of living for others, i based myself on them (is this insecurity?)… but life presently seems to be teaching me only one thing… to live for myself... this is Security?? – is it not others that make you sure of yourself? (i remember reading this quote and feeling unusually moved/saddened by it, “everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter because no one listens.” – i hope this isn’t true, but again, life is teaching me that it is… over and over again.)

i miss people… if it hurts, do i just need to wait?… or … grab replacements – fill the gap. is that normal? is that really ‘love?

a hard apparent truth: it is not the person that is special… it’s the space he or she occupies… i think this is true for two reasons… first – because often people don’t know if they are in love with their significant other or in love with the idea of that other… second – people fall in love, head over heals, ready to marry, then within months find some’body’ else… unfortunately this places love in a precariously selfish position. . .  

you may think what <a cynical self-pity post>… i hope not.  maybe this is my reality check. To be honest… this isn’t a sudden epiphany… this is the result of my life. I live for the exceptions.

Why is love so much about the me? why does the me need to feel special, unique, irreplaceable – to be validated? to be precious to someone means that you are rare… a great find. someone worth something precisely because you are distinct. . . more than just filling a Gap… perhaps filling it well… even filling it perfectly (for that person… because you are beautiful, funny, smart, confident, etc… all the reasons that make you desirable… with each check, you become a better and better fit…)  

Love is about the me… not the you (that’s why the sociological principle – ‘the power of least interest’ – is so accurate). why does it sound so wrong and yet seem to be so true? maybe there is nothing wrong with this… by being in a ‘loving’ community, we are all scratching each other’s backs. we scratch to be scratched, we love to be loved. the effect stimulates the cause… not vice versa. it hurts to love, and not be loved back… because the point of love suddenly backfires. I am not only talking about romantic love here (eros)… even friendship love (philia) functions the same way. So when You are chosen – as a friend or lover, well it’s evident isn’t it? what am i getting at… who cares, it’s usually mutual anyways. Love is like Nuclear Weapons… as long as both parties have them, there’s no problem. it’s safe. it’s mutualistic symbiosis – as a biologist would say. a relationship couldn’t even begin if selfishness wasn’t at its core, if filling the gap within oneself wasn’t the reason. is this true? (i think the only problem we have with this is the harsh meaning we have ascribed to this ’sinful’ word.)**

if you had one choice, to never go back on – Would you choose a community over a lover? and why?

Zooming Out: Wisdom

“With much wisdom comes much sorrow, with much knowledge much pain”

“The thoughts of the wise turn to the house of mourning, but the thoughts of a fool to the house of feasting”

“Do not be over-wise”

 

The grandeur of Wisdom makes your centrality seem more and more… absurd.

In Psychology 101 you start to learn about the Stages of Development. In the early stages, ‘the me’ is incredibly dominant. To the point where you believe you ARE unique… a diamond in the rocks, per say.  This of course changes as you ‘grow.’ You slowly begin to realize that you aren’t really that unique, that you aren’t some precious stone amongst the heap of gravel. At this point in development, something usually happens, because this realization isn’t necessarily the greatest of news flashes. Often rebellion, depression, or some major shift in attitude (good or bad) follows suit; “adolescence” perhaps..

I used to think of wisdom as being fairly connected to knowledge, I would say: knowledge is the fuel to wisdom, or that enough knowledge matures into wisdom, or wisdom is the appropriate application of knowledge at the right time and the right place. BUT, I have started to think differently as of late. I don’t think this is the real message or the Core of Sage-ism.  In short, wisdom is like… the Google Earth Effect. Let me explain.

It would be difficult to speak of Wisdom without wondering why mourning, sorrow and pain seem to walk hand in hand with Her. Major themes in Proverbs, Psalms and other poetical books, such as the ancient wisdom of Egypt (Amenamope) and Mesopotamia, insist on the acquisition of wisdom as the most noble of pursuits. Proverbs says that the world was built upon her and that it is only by seeking wisdom with all your heart that you will Begin to Understand.  - So there is a definitely something to this quest…

I think the more you touch and taste, the more you see and feel, the more you listen and discover, the more you hurt and suffer, the more you fail and succeed… basically the more you live and learn, THE more you see the Big Picture… as the picture grows your individual significance gets proportionally smaller and smaller. You stop being the center of the universe and become one star amongst millions. The smaller you get the bigger others become. Wisdom is the distance one takes from him or her self – Wisdom is zooming out with Google Earth – Wisdom is realizing that you are nothing more than one Reference among billions.

BUT having said this, I believe the results are wonderful and loving… but at the same time painful, lonely and especially aggravating.  You begin to care about others, especially their feelings and well-being, because they are like you, as big, as bright, as important, and as valuable. (And as much as honesty remains a noble trait, sensitivity rockets up to contest… as it should.) Ignorance is bliss because it’s easy to simply care about yourself, about your world, your opinions, your desires, etc. Wisdom MAKES you smaller, Makes you less certain about yourself, Makes you Humble, and makes everyone else in contrast, Bigger.

To love and to be loved. This should be a unbalanced formula… where the act of loving does not depend on being loved. As said in previous posts; this is the formula to paradise – Wisdom… the Instrument.

I am having a hard time writing my thoughts… too many interconnections. it seems like such common sense – and it is, but somehow it makes so many things clearer. selfishness is such a retarding trait/characteristic. like a drug. temporary fix that just leaves holes. seems good on the outside and the results are immediate… but draining..

 

I THINK…

Density = Thoughtlessness X Self-centeredness ?

The Third densest people in the world: Those who don’t consider the situation before the Law

The Second densest people in the world: Those who don’t change their minds

The densest people in the world: Those who say “I would never…”

 

 

… the problem.

I think the problem began when the fields of philosophy and theology started to part ways. They used to be indivisible. Theology was philosophy, and philosophy was theology. Some of the Church fathers functioned in this paradigm. And it is apparent in what they have left behind for us. It would be argued that Christianity was even the best philosophy around – it was the most reasonable of all thinking models! It seems to me that something has seriously changed… for the worse.

Philosophy today = the study of the fundamental nature of knowledge.

Theology today = the study of the Nature of God. (an ironic definition)

In Philosophy, you, the individual IS what matters, in a sense you are ‘god’ – THEREFOR quite responsible for your thoughts and ideas. Caution and care often accompany responsibility. The burden is on You to be reasonable, to be thought out, and to be able to defend yourself. So often, philosophers think hard. Now theology is a completely different game. God IS what matters… God is the object of study. But of course, the study of God is a tricky one, which has required dogmas and doctrines to keep some order in the field. Due to God being the stated object, there has been a serious loosening of Human Responsibility. If it don’t make sense, well then… ‘Just have faith.’ Or even better, “we aren’t meant to understand.” Or the greatest of all, “The whole secret of mysticism [unfortunately understood as ‘Faith’] is this: that man can understand everything by the help of what he does not understand.” … A Resonating petition that disconnects Responsibility. Now… those of the faith can just believe things and say things without thinking!! I asked an old evangelical friend what his views were on the doctrine of salvation, he responded, “I don’t care or worry about anybody else, as long as I am know where I am going.” I was stunned at such an Anti-Christ-like Anti-biblical response… and it was said so casually. Thank God for the small hopeful stream of pragmatism in Christianity.

Riding on the statement made by my old friend, I find that religion, as much as it attempts to put the spotlight on the object of worship (God), it hits this massive mirror and simply lights up the ‘worshiper.’ Religions create Egoism… religion puts you on a quest for salvation where it is up to you, and only to you to make it there. There is a sudden huge importance upon your-self. You have to carry out all these things, follow all these ‘rules,’ to GET salvation. It’s creates a show where there are two actors. God and Me. ((“I am responsible for my own salvation!”)) THIS is the perfect soil for guilt… the greatest accomplishment of Religion. We Desire God, we Desire salvation. The only difference between Desire and Love is that Desire is all about self-gratification. ((The ‘Me’ in Love… always comes at least Second… or even better; third… or fourth.)) Desire: To fill something inside of Me. Because I need it… or want it. I am on my journey… it’s my trip, and I’m heading to the Light.

EVIL !!! – assuming the existence of God.

God’s perfect goodness is relative to his perfect being. Nothingness is perfect Evil. Everything-ness is Perfect Goodness (God). The less something is… the more inherently evil. So that metaphysical ’substance’ is in a sense God-ness. the worse it is, the less godly it is, or the less ’substance’ it has… God, the creator, is necessary for existence… whether it is material (touchable) or immaterial (ideas/notions/feelings)… the only solution for the author of evil is this; God. or not? 

One of the Gregorys (i will look this up)… i forget which one, suggests that evil was part of the “perfect plan.” Descartes also mentions that because it IS so, the fact that there is ‘evil’ – and everything it entails – means that there was NO better possible option (for this would indicate that God is in fact not perfect). A perfect creator can only create perfection. or perfect perfection can only create perfect perfection (regardless of semantics). no? So what is – is perfection. . .