(’so i sit here – listening to the most haunting music i have ever heard in my life. i feel… at a loss for words, trying to find something… but realize that is exactly it – there is nothing. the melody forces me to go deep, so deep that i don’t know where i am or what to do… my throat swells up and i can no longer close my eyes…’)
to be moved, to be stirred to the point where my feelings are so overwhelmed that expression simply stalls… music can sometimes do this, but… mostly thoughts from the past. i think about those i have loved (and still do), i think about those i have lived and felt life with and begin to stall. desire and loss. loss is a horrible feeling… desire is a strong feeling… and there you have it, a strong horrible feeling. going back in time rarely brings happy feelings… it brings reality right to my face. “pierre, it’s over and it will never be again. never.” that kills me… that thought drowns my spirit, darkens my dreams. . .
and apparently… it is the story of a healthy life. of course we move on… thank God. we replace. fill the gaps. and voila, like new. but this truth doesn’t help me. i have loved and lost, like most of you. i have left friends and homes… almost too many times to count now. the first time i could barely breath. now… now i just turn away and go. I used to think i was important… i used to think i made the world spin. it makes me smile today… now, i see myself as an accessory. ironically, when i was younger i dreamed of living for others, i based myself on them (is this insecurity?)… but life presently seems to be teaching me only one thing… to live for myself... this is Security?? – is it not others that make you sure of yourself? (i remember reading this quote and feeling unusually moved/saddened by it, “everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter because no one listens.” – i hope this isn’t true, but again, life is teaching me that it is… over and over again.)
i miss people… if it hurts, do i just need to wait?… or … grab replacements – fill the gap. is that normal? is that really ‘love?
a hard apparent truth: it is not the person that is special… it’s the space he or she occupies… i think this is true for two reasons… first – because often people don’t know if they are in love with their significant other or in love with the idea of that other… second – people fall in love, head over heals, ready to marry, then within months find some’body’ else… unfortunately this places love in a precariously selfish position. . .
you may think what <a cynical self-pity post>… i hope not. maybe this is my reality check. To be honest… this isn’t a sudden epiphany… this is the result of my life. I live for the exceptions.
Why is love so much about the me? why does the me need to feel special, unique, irreplaceable – to be validated? to be precious to someone means that you are rare… a great find. someone worth something precisely because you are distinct. . . more than just filling a Gap… perhaps filling it well… even filling it perfectly (for that person… because you are beautiful, funny, smart, confident, etc… all the reasons that make you desirable… with each check, you become a better and better fit…)
Love is about the me… not the you (that’s why the sociological principle – ‘the power of least interest’ – is so accurate). why does it sound so wrong and yet seem to be so true? maybe there is nothing wrong with this… by being in a ‘loving’ community, we are all scratching each other’s backs. we scratch to be scratched, we love to be loved. the effect stimulates the cause… not vice versa. it hurts to love, and not be loved back… because the point of love suddenly backfires. I am not only talking about romantic love here (eros)… even friendship love (philia) functions the same way. So when You are chosen – as a friend or lover, well it’s evident isn’t it? what am i getting at… who cares, it’s usually mutual anyways. Love is like Nuclear Weapons… as long as both parties have them, there’s no problem. it’s safe. it’s mutualistic symbiosis – as a biologist would say. a relationship couldn’t even begin if selfishness wasn’t at its core, if filling the gap within oneself wasn’t the reason. is this true? (i think the only problem we have with this is the harsh meaning we have ascribed to this ’sinful’ word.)**
if you had one choice, to never go back on – Would you choose a community over a lover? and why?
5 responses so far ↓
sherriandjoey // January 4, 2009 at 4:42 am |
The essence of community is exactly what we desire in a lover (excluding the physical passion of course). Community is intricately designed. It is knowing that at the end of the day someone is there, someone cares and truly loves you, for exactly who you are. Its being part of something great, something you can contribute to, be equal to. It’s give and take, balanced. And maybe sometimes you give more than you get or vise versa but it works. Is that not what we want in a lover? Like romantic love we can’t full fill all of our needs through community, but the opposite of this is true also. Like love and like community, we have companionship, we can grow, we can be together, we can ask tough questions, live tough lives, bare each others hardships and celebrate joys. I think Ecclesiastes talks a lot about community, without even mentioning the word community. There is the A time to …heal…dance…speak…found in 3:1-8 and of course two are better that one and 3 strands are not easily broken in ch. 4.
I also think we can’t really choose between community and love unless maybe one of the two fails us but I still don’t truly believe it’s a choice that should be made, I think they come hand in hand, I think in community there is love and sometimes even lover. I think we need both
I could go on and maybe I am bias. I am part of one extraordinary community in NYC, one whose foundation is built on solid ground, is prayed upon, and is built by His hands. It is an amazing miraculous story if you ever want to hear it.
-s
Dominick // March 7, 2009 at 6:05 am |
To have made hundreds of friends and yet be so alone — to have shared intimacy with so many and yet feel as if it was all for naught — is a terrifying place to be. It wears at your humanity when you have no one with whom to share this place. This is one reason that I believe so strongly in finding some sort of place to grow roots, as lame as it might seem in our culture, our generation, that claims to value “travel” and adventure and “trying something new.” Settling can also be very hard when you feel like no one understands you; how do you make roots in soil that seems hostile?
I can’t answer your question, as your friend above also cannot.
Joel // March 24, 2009 at 6:27 am |
In the beginning there was only Adam and his love, Eve. They were not given a community, or group that would give and take, scratch to be scratched, love to be loved. What he gave them was a metaphoric ‘home’.
To each other they would be everything that the world could not be. To each other they would live and die for, I feel, without selfish motive. There is no need for community to fulfill the needs of the me if the me loves itself first. Only once that is achieved can the me truly give its all to another, and that moment is when the me finds a perfect counter part in the you. For opposites do not attract.
I believe this balance within ourselves is the main reason our ‘home’ can become tremendously soul-filling yet also at times soul-sapping. When we doubt our love of the me the home can become disarrayed, the severity depending on he depth of self doubt. The counter to this is the you can see the turmoil in the me and selflessly attempts to stabilize her lover.
There is a principle here that must be spoken, If you are ‘in’ love then it is safe to assume that you can fall ‘out’ of love.
I love, the me. I have always loved the me, it only became apparent when i showed myself what I was capable of. I had a vision in my mind of myself somewhere beyond reach, seemingly unattainable and yet at that moment, I arrived.
Zultan // April 30, 2009 at 8:28 pm |
and of course – people tend to only love those who love them. is there anything more ultimately egocentric? it’s crazy how much we have romanticized this word… love … how much we have dressed it up and then fantasized about it. it’s like water… we need it, we desire it, it is a vital life ingredient – because it keeps us healthy and well. it keeps us feeling special… it keeps us feeling valuable. sometimes people who are loved a lot have urges to shed it upon other. just like when you’ve been given lots of money. hmm… maybe love is fueled by egoism… but is in itself, Perfect. now all we have to do is change the fuel, but how? … i guess, as i have mentioned before, it’s just the wrong word. we confuse love and desire all the time. love today really means desire… ephemeral and self-centered. Love is truly unattainable… for love is God and God is perfect. And only when we are perfect will we be able to love. really love. until that day… we can only and simply Desire. but because we don’t like this reality – we will dress up desire so that it looks like love. we will dream and fantasize.. we will bring back the myth of altruism to a time desperately in need of it. . .
Janna // May 11, 2009 at 2:55 am |
This struck me a well worded reason why Jesus command, “Love each other” is so hard to follow, and strikes me with a thrilling fear (like when I decide to jump off a cliff into a lake, when I am afraid of heights).
I’m not going to answer your question, but just say that your blog, which I read because your status popped up on facebook in my news feed, reminded me of John 14:15-15:17.
you also said: “a hard apparent truth: it is not the person that is special… it’s the space he or she occupies… i think this is true for two reasons… first – because often people don’t know if they are in love with their significant other or in love with the idea of that other… second – people fall in love, head over heals, ready to marry, then within months find some’body’ else… unfortunately this places love in a precariously selfish position. . . ” and talked about replacing things/people we love with new things.
I think that, if the reason why a person is special is because of the space they occupy, then it is merely because we have no choice but to dwell in space and time. It has nothing to do with ideas of being in love, because ideas are not made of matter. A person can occupy space, and no one can occupy the same space at the same time, which is something we take for granted. Ideas of a person are similar, I think, and the idea of one person can not be fully occupied by the idea of another. No two people are the same in my mind. You’re very right when you say that things will never, never-ever be the same as they once had been. But nothing can replace it. And change is hard and depressing, and longing kicks in, but the things that we remember were good will be good in a different way later. If we try to make it into the good it was, we will fail. Like if I try to sit on the chair that I had been sitting on, when my brother is now sitting on it, I will fail.
You have a way of words Pierre, and I wish I could boast the same skills, but I have no idea how to end my thoughts. lol. Enjoy them for what they are worth (the space they take up in cyperspace), and have a good day