M a g i c

… people who believe in something greater than themselves tend to have a different feel about them. they are forced to wonder… forced to look above – forced to live haunted by a great mystery. it changes people, obviously. it removes our somewhat trivial lives from center stage and creates an enchanted mist. i once heard a theologian say that the world has become disenchanted. . .  and that so much has been lost because of this. we are curious/thirsty beings who look up and thrive on ‘more-ness,’ on grandeur… on the ’super’-natural. our spirits don’t want to be in the center.. they want to be part of something beyond – simply something beyond.

The universe is too big to be contained… the world is too unexplained to be known. how can this simply be. – religion is the byproduct of these notions… of these (universal) feelings and observations. soon we will stop wanting to conquer mystery… that will be the day. to remove limits is to live in an enchanted world again…

god is weak and powerless in the world

“God would have us know that we must live as men who manage our lives without him. The God who is with us is the God who forsakes us (Mark 15:34)… Before God and with God we live without God. God lets himself be pushed out of the world onto the cross [Emphasis mine]. He is weak and powerless in the world. And that is precisely the way, the only way, in which he is with us and helps us. Matthew 8:17 makes it quite clear that Christ helps us, not by virtue of his omnipotence, but by virtue of his weakness and suffering.” (Bonhoeffer, Letters and Papers from Prison.) 

How do you understand this? 

being honest: memories and Gap Love & warfare

(’so i sit here – listening to the most haunting music i have ever heard in my life. i feel… at a loss for words, trying to find something… but realize that is exactly it – there is nothing. the melody forces me to go deep, so deep that i don’t know where i am or what to do… my throat swells up and i can no longer close my eyes…’)

to be moved, to be stirred to the point where my feelings are so overwhelmed that expression simply stalls… music can sometimes do this, but… mostly thoughts from the past. i think about those i have loved (and still do), i think about those i have lived and felt life with and begin to stall. desire and loss. loss is a horrible feeling… desire is a strong feeling… and there you have it, a strong horrible feeling. going back in time rarely brings happy feelings… it brings reality right to my face. “pierre, it’s over and it will never be again. never.” that kills me… that thought drowns my spirit, darkens my dreams. . .

and apparently… it is the story of a healthy life. of course we move on… thank God. we replace. fill the gaps. and voila, like new. but this truth doesn’t help me. i have loved and lost, like most of you. i have left friends and homes… almost too many times to count now. the first time i could barely breath. now… now i just turn away and go. I used to think i was important… i used to think i made the world spin. it makes me smile today… now, i see myself as an accessory. ironically, when i was younger i dreamed of living for others, i based myself on them (is this insecurity?)… but life presently seems to be teaching me only one thing… to live for myself... this is Security?? – is it not others that make you sure of yourself? (i remember reading this quote and feeling unusually moved/saddened by it, “everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter because no one listens.” – i hope this isn’t true, but again, life is teaching me that it is… over and over again.)

i miss people… if it hurts, do i just need to wait?… or … grab replacements – fill the gap. is that normal? is that really ‘love?

a hard apparent truth: it is not the person that is special… it’s the space he or she occupies… i think this is true for two reasons… first – because often people don’t know if they are in love with their significant other or in love with the idea of that other… second – people fall in love, head over heals, ready to marry, then within months find some’body’ else… unfortunately this places love in a precariously selfish position. . .  

you may think what <a cynical self-pity post>… i hope not.  maybe this is my reality check. To be honest… this isn’t a sudden epiphany… this is the result of my life. I live for the exceptions.

Why is love so much about the me? why does the me need to feel special, unique, irreplaceable – to be validated? to be precious to someone means that you are rare… a great find. someone worth something precisely because you are distinct. . . more than just filling a Gap… perhaps filling it well… even filling it perfectly (for that person… because you are beautiful, funny, smart, confident, etc… all the reasons that make you desirable… with each check, you become a better and better fit…)  

Love is about the me… not the you (that’s why the sociological principle – ‘the power of least interest’ – is so accurate). why does it sound so wrong and yet seem to be so true? maybe there is nothing wrong with this… by being in a ‘loving’ community, we are all scratching each other’s backs. we scratch to be scratched, we love to be loved. the effect stimulates the cause… not vice versa. it hurts to love, and not be loved back… because the point of love suddenly backfires. I am not only talking about romantic love here (eros)… even friendship love (philia) functions the same way. So when You are chosen – as a friend or lover, well it’s evident isn’t it? what am i getting at… who cares, it’s usually mutual anyways. Love is like Nuclear Weapons… as long as both parties have them, there’s no problem. it’s safe. it’s mutualistic symbiosis – as a biologist would say. a relationship couldn’t even begin if selfishness wasn’t at its core, if filling the gap within oneself wasn’t the reason. is this true? (i think the only problem we have with this is the harsh meaning we have ascribed to this ’sinful’ word.)**

if you had one choice, to never go back on – Would you choose a community over a lover? and why?

Density = Thoughtlessness X Self-centeredness ?

The Third densest people in the world: Those who don’t consider the situation before the Law

The Second densest people in the world: Those who don’t change their minds

The densest people in the world: Those who say “I would never…”

 

 

… the problem.

I think the problem began when the fields of philosophy and theology started to part ways. They used to be indivisible. Theology was philosophy, and philosophy was theology. Some of the Church fathers functioned in this paradigm. And it is apparent in what they have left behind for us. It would be argued that Christianity was even the best philosophy around – it was the most reasonable of all thinking models! It seems to me that something has seriously changed… for the worse.

Philosophy today = the study of the fundamental nature of knowledge.

Theology today = the study of the Nature of God. (an ironic definition)

In Philosophy, you, the individual IS what matters, in a sense you are ‘god’ – THEREFOR quite responsible for your thoughts and ideas. Caution and care often accompany responsibility. The burden is on You to be reasonable, to be thought out, and to be able to defend yourself. So often, philosophers think hard. Now theology is a completely different game. God IS what matters… God is the object of study. But of course, the study of God is a tricky one, which has required dogmas and doctrines to keep some order in the field. Due to God being the stated object, there has been a serious loosening of Human Responsibility. If it don’t make sense, well then… ‘Just have faith.’ Or even better, “we aren’t meant to understand.” Or the greatest of all, “The whole secret of mysticism [unfortunately understood as ‘Faith’] is this: that man can understand everything by the help of what he does not understand.” … A Resonating petition that disconnects Responsibility. Now… those of the faith can just believe things and say things without thinking!! I asked an old evangelical friend what his views were on the doctrine of salvation, he responded, “I don’t care or worry about anybody else, as long as I am know where I am going.” I was stunned at such an Anti-Christ-like Anti-biblical response… and it was said so casually. Thank God for the small hopeful stream of pragmatism in Christianity.

Riding on the statement made by my old friend, I find that religion, as much as it attempts to put the spotlight on the object of worship (God), it hits this massive mirror and simply lights up the ‘worshiper.’ Religions create Egoism… religion puts you on a quest for salvation where it is up to you, and only to you to make it there. There is a sudden huge importance upon your-self. You have to carry out all these things, follow all these ‘rules,’ to GET salvation. It’s creates a show where there are two actors. God and Me. ((“I am responsible for my own salvation!”)) THIS is the perfect soil for guilt… the greatest accomplishment of Religion. We Desire God, we Desire salvation. The only difference between Desire and Love is that Desire is all about self-gratification. ((The ‘Me’ in Love… always comes at least Second… or even better; third… or fourth.)) Desire: To fill something inside of Me. Because I need it… or want it. I am on my journey… it’s my trip, and I’m heading to the Light.

remove the Stage – animal

Reducing things to animal behavior i think is often an excuse for certain actions. having said that however, i more and more (from my travels) see humankind simply as a ‘mammalian sub-species.’ What makes us different are norms and mores that we have instated over time. Traditions, manners, fashions, moralities… that is what makes us not animals. But, strip this away – make man desperate for food, for life, for anything… or see a man who’s social constraints are broken by rage or hatred (anything more powerful/potent than ’society’) and you start to see an animal… why?

The only way to find oneself – Leave!

Wanting adventure/seeking life and understanding is often most effective/efficient on your own, maybe not as fun – but finding out about yourself, discovering the limits and the far corners of your heart and mind require solitude, require absence from those who know you. living to the full basically means – no inhibitions… no mould to worry about – It’s not just that, people treat each other in a way that corresponds with their preconceptions, this stops people from growing because they aren’t given a chance to change or flourish — Couples often restrain each other from discovering themselves… Friends often restrain each other from discovering themselves, Families often restrain each other from discovering themselves. My entire life i meet people who i used to know and who see and treat me as i was and not as who I am – there is Nothing more frustrating. 

It’s unbelievable how much can happen in you when you change your settings completely, starting with a blank slate – people don’t create who you are, because they don’t know you, you create who you are, what you want to be… maybe what you’ve always wanted to be but weren’t allowed to be.

what’is love.

love is beautiful, beautiful is love. many people fall in love with love…
A deep attachment to someone who is deeply attached to you… desperate to be depended on; to be needed. And yet, again the biggest paradox in life… no one is attracted to needy-ness. But that is exactly what love is… people love babies because they are so reliant and needy… needing care. They make mothers feel like the most important thing in the world… because they are. But that is why so many girls dream of having children (untarnished dependence). Untainted ‘love.’ Pure needyness… the kind that fuels love. How can this be imitated? Or is a huge perceived social gap necessary (adult to baby, human to dog, human to less fortunate human… strong to very weak..e.tc). Unthreatening… maybe. A baby cannot hurt… it is almost choiceless/harmelss… like puppy dogs and kittens… or any animal for that matter. There is No fear of being hurt… obvious that ‘it’ loves you, because it needs you and shows it (holds on to you, stares needily at you, squeezes your finger, licks your hand… is happy for your attention… apparently loving you…?. BUT whoever does what you do… feed the animal or child… it loves the same way.
The baby doesn’t love per say… it has not chosen anything, replace the mother and in hours or maybe days the baby is just as happy as it was. It is so easy to love a baby or a dog or cat… but it does not love back… but people believe that it does. I realize that there are many forms and kinds of love… but there must be a correlation that can help to understand a deeper issue. Girls often have crushes on a ‘hot’ guy… they imagine away his greatness… but then they talk to him… and it all comes crashing down. If he was a mute… he would probably have a better chance. The ‘not knowing’ love, a.k.a. The romantic, is so potent… but it inevitably dies. The thought of knowing that the one you are loving (dog, cat, baby, person…) does not really love you, needs you temporarily maybe… fuels love… keeps it burning fervently. Break-up with a girl you really thought had to end… when you drive away, your heart sinks… it is hardest to love those who will not go away… or cannot go away… unless there is that HUGE ‘social gap.’ We have to be loved, but for it to burn strongly ‘loss’ must be right beside. Maybe we just aren’t stagnant being… change/risk has to knock at every door of life.

what makes me most mad

I read a book a few years ago called Logotherapy: man’s search for meaning. It talked about the suffering and psychology of people in concentration camps. The author, spends a couple years in some of the most well-known camps in europe. He is partially treated favourably because of his status, he is a psychologist.
he said that through all the undeserved pain and suffering, physical and verbal abuse, there is only one thing that would make him rage inside; being blamed for something he did not do. it didn’t matter that beatings were given for no reason, it was when the reason was someone else that he felt fury inside. what does this mean? why is it so?
i have witnessed it many times, when i was a kid and even today. when something was done that was bad and we are unjustly blamed for it… our defensive mechanism is jolted to life.

nature

“nature is the theatre of God’s glory” — Calvin

Tash (a foreign God) cannot accept any good act… so even if you thought you were doing it unto him, you were doing it unto me, says the Lord?