~ Sex – pre-marital – marriage ~

As if the second the signature is complete, God removes the red tape and says, alright – you’re good, go for it. It’s okay to do it, cause you signed the piece of paper and got your two witnesses -… No one thinks that. What if your pen runs out of ink?! Or one of the names are spelled wrong so that God isn’t sure whether you married Kirsten or Kristen. I mean he has got to know! or else he won’t know where to remove the sin tape – okay, so we have that figured out… that’s obviously not the moment of marriage, a.k.a. it’s not a sin to have sex anymore, so when is it? This will help to understand what marriage is… A promise to start a family together? A promise to love one another till death does its parting? Is it even to do with love (considering arranged marriage are enormously common and there isn’t big talk about Christians being against it)? is it To start on this journey that will hopefully force us to love one another (probably in a few decades)?… That’s a crazy notion to me – arranged marriages. Christians somehow deduce that there is nothing wrong with a man, having never even met this veiled woman (who has just become his wife)… doesn’t love her, because he doesn’t know her, nor her for that matter – they can have sex and no Christians even blinks. A complete stranger. No worries. Why? ‘well because they’re married.’ So it doesn’t have to do with love? Hm… so it has to do with forced commitment? A contract makes sex not a sin? Is that right? We may have to agree that when it comes to arranged marriages it is all about family… combining families and starting families. That is the arrangement. anyway, I will be all over the place, so bear with me … a free-thoughting session:

 

 

Sex and Marriage/Pre-marital Sex – Yes and No. (in honor of one of my favorite theologians, Karl Barth). People often talk about marriage as a commitment before God, where there is security and thereby a healthy place to grow in love… If marriage, in the traditional sense, brings a sense of security or removes thoughts of being abandoned for another – it is not mutual love that is bringing the two together. Love and Trust are completely indivisible (if I KNOW that my partner loves me, then I am completely free of doubt and suspicion! When suspicion remains, there is a lack of trust somewhere, or should I say a lack of love somewhere (This is why couples need to constantly reinforce each other’s love for one another).

 

Marriage – is simply a symbol of what has already taken place (Bonhoeffer). that’s it!

 

I despise the Christian concept of virginity because I believe it is purely a sociological development where prior to 100 years ago, sex meant children. children meant family. family is sacred (The 10 commandments are clear on this issue)- not sex. that’s why historically, jewish men could do whatever they wanted … and sex WAS the marriage because it was the beginning of a family (think of Catholicism’s notion of contraceptives). like the story of Rebekah and Isaac (meeting, going to the tent and voila). today this is no longer the case – there isn’t the sex-child unbreakable link anymore.

 

*Culture is the dress of Religion*

 

Family is still sacred today. family will always be sacred. It is not humans that ascribe ’sacredness,’ if that were the case, then yes – something can lose its sacredness. just like profanity – it doesn’t change over time. and it isn’t the fact that premarital sex occurs that families are falling apart, or diseases exist, or that there are commitment issues, or divorces are common and dysfunctional families are everywhere. to connect to two is ridiculous… it is much deeper than that. it’s about love. what does it mean – not how does it feel … lots of Christian virgins who marry get divorced, have dysfunctional families etc. (Pornography is a way bigger issue, it can and does destroy families)

 

Also, i think that it’s not really fair to see premarital sex as selfish… as though it isn’t in marriage. Marriage is nothing, it doesn’t change anything. it doesn’t right any wrongs. it doesn’t bring more security. that is the illusion that is wrecking so many people’s lives. What does God care? it’s not even clear in scripture… if it were important at all, would not Jesus have talked about it, even just once!… instead of honoring your parents? adultery is a huge topic because and only because it breaks families apart. it’s not because sex in itself is a sin if you haven’t signed a frickin piece of paper. that’s not the sin part! but the church has reduced it to that. “oh, okay… we found the problem…um, it’s premarital sex” voila, Fixed – just because a few theologians could concentrate more on God when they were shut up in some walled monastery.

 

Dr. Tim Perry said, to make a point of course, that if you want to get married but not have children (not start a family), then don’t get married and just have sex! That is exactly the point; family (again, think of Catholicism’s notion contraceptives).

The church’s conception of premarital sex, for me, is as non-scriptural as praying to different patron saints… so if you lose something, you pray to the patron saint of lost things… i forget his name. these rules or traditions that have been developed are instated for those who cannot grasp the deeper truths behind the traditions and laws. Paul and Christ say it all the time – when your eyes are open – the laws fade away. When principles are understood – when what the law is getting at is understood… the law has no more use. The Pharisees came up with hundreds of laws, but these laws were designed to stop breaking the 10 laws of Moses or to stop from even coming near to breaking one of the commandments (so only allowed 200 steps on the Sabbath day – and they can’t be long ones). These people are rebuked in scripture.

 

I sometimes have a strong distaste for marriage because people think it is a certificate of security where effort/liking/loving/playing/laughing/respect/complimenting/flirting are no longer required… or less important. They think marriage means, now i can relax. Instead of it being exactly the opposite. i almost think that security/certainty tends to turn off the human Spirit (Hence mystery being so captivating…) you know, like for example (in a small way), i would drive 2 hours just to pick up some roses for you for our 3 month anniversary, but by our 3 rd yr anniversary i may not even drive 20 minutes…i see this kind of thing all the time! i know love evolves, but it certainly doesn’t lose effort…BUT if I’m about to lose my partner or something drastic… then all of a sudden sparks fly. i don’t like that… I find it wasteful. Sometimes couples start acting and treating each other like siblings – THAT is what security/certainty/the certificate of marriage seems to manifest… – BUT the idea is so wonderful… there is nothing greater than loving and being loved… but how does one love? What the heck is love!? once humankind can understand this, then you have your FIX – for dysfunctionality, divorces, families splitting, diseases… that IS the issue – Not premarital sex.

 

You may think – oh all this talk of premarital sex; people being ‘free’ and doing whatever feels good (‘how hedonistic’) – Maybe in a bizarre way, love is the opposite of freedom – but at the same time the epitome of freedom…(Yes and No) and the problem today is people only understanding the latter part of that equation. 

 

I am not saying that people should just go off and sleep around – that is not the point at all. I don’t like the guilt thrown upon Christians, I don’t like the fact that sometimes Christian girls get married and still feel like they are doing something wrong. They can’t enjoy themselves, start to dislike sex, the husband senses this and there you have it, the perfect breeding soil for serious problems. Or the opposite end of the spectrum where some young people are so enthralled by the sex taboo, imposed by the Christian community, that they become obsessive and things become unhealthy quite quickly. What I am saying is – it shouldn’t reign on the throne of Issues. One should be careful – and choose wisely. That’s all.

 

Apart from that – it shouldn’t be rules that determine what you do or don’t do – it should be understanding/reason. It should be something that makes sense – something like, I shouldn’t put my hand into a fire because it hurts – why, because my flesh is going to fry, which really hurts, leaves scares, and removes sensation. Sex is the same – there are possible consequences… emotional and physical. I don’t deny this. But these should be the reasons to be cautious… not religion or senseless ‘God-rules.’ God gave us minds; Wisdom, She is our gift from God who existed before creation (Proverbs) and upon whom the world was formed… She is the key to understanding.