*just a note: this was written in 2004… quite some time ago 
Think of it as Captivation, not the Game
I often hear people say that they hate the game and somehow think that it was something done only in high school or ‘immature’ relationships. I would like to offer an explanation to the game that may change your minds.First of all, what is this game? The sociological behaviors involved are much more intricate and deeper than we think.
You want what you cannot have.
Think about this; nobody wants someone who immediately professes love and the desire to have 6 children, nobody wants someone who is all over them, nobody wants someone who is too easy to get, we all want a challenge in some way or another, we want someone confident and independent, un needy.
In high school I really liked this girl that every guy talked about… sure it was superficial, she was very attractive and this magnified everything good about her. I never gave her excessive attention and would often ignore her (unlike most guys), even though I knew exactly where she was at all times. This lasted for over a year. Finally, I heard through the high school grape vine that she had a crush on me, and had liked me for some time now. I was basically breathless…! So, I acted cool about it… as if it was expected. The more ‘cool’ I acted the more she wanted to be with me, but after some weeks I couldn’t stand it anymore and I told her that I had been infatuated by her for almost two years and only wanted to be with her, well much more subliminally than that of course. Suddenly things changed, and she wasn’t sure anymore… I had been conquered just like all the other guys in her life… maybe I wasn’t as socially unattainable/cool as she thought… maybe I was just an ordinary guy. When I realized that I had been treated like an over-heard favorite cd I called her and said that if this was really what she was like, I would never even want to date her. Two weeks later we were dating, and two years later we broke up…
HOW TO 101:So the game is about being uninterestedly interested. Giving a little, but not too much. Being funny and creative in things to do. Flirting distantly and being totally casual. Eye contact that lasts just half a second longer than usual eye contact with anybody else. But most of all and most importantly, REMAIN MYSTERIOUS. (silence is the primary method to mystery, giving only a tiny bit of yourself at a time… let them discover you! the class clown never gets the girls because he is never mysterious (think back to your youth))
Theology and things:When we get a new car, we take detours just to be in it longer, we wash it and vacuum it every week, we make sure to get the oil changes done, and we certainly don’t let anybody eat in it… but as the months pass, things change. We have somehow gone from the new mysterious vehicle to the old and usual automobile. To get to know is to slowly strip away the mystery…Now theologically… God is the most talked about and intriguing subject in this world, why? Because He epitomizes mystery… never figured out means never boring. God is man’s greatest mystery and consequently man’s greatest lover…
Mystery and Ordinary: (To get to know is to slowly strip away the mystery)The game is about appearing unknowable, which can subsequently results in being appearingly ungettable. The respect of mystery. We always respect the mysterious, people who fall into this category get respect because people do not know what to do… the unordinariness confuses the way they would usually act. In relationships just like with cars, once the dating and getting to know starts to take place, the mystery starts to slowly fade (which is not necessarily bad… the only bad thing is the way we naturally respond to fading mystery) and the person or car gets to be treated ordinarily, usually resulting in loss of previous apparent… let’s say respect.
Maybe it is when others are known and the mystery is gone about them that they become less attractive and you just don’t want to bother anymore with loving them, OR, maybe it is that the more another person knows YOU and the less mysterious you become to them, the more certain you become that they will see you as not perfect, less than ideal and worst of all – ordinary, and then decide that there is likely better out there and that they are deserving of ‘better’, resulting in their neglect and apathy toward you.
The game is often associated with immaturity because a lot of what I said may appear fake and insincere. “Just be who are you,” you might say. Granted, but something about mystery equaling attraction is wired into us, maybe because God made us this way or because we are materialistic narcissistic beings who only want what we don’t have or know.
Flirting, making it obvious in all manners that you potentially really like the other person.
The Game, psychological spiel that tests and plays with the known feelings of somebody else who also knows your feelings. It makes the initial debatably exciting stages of relationships last much longer, adding confusion and uncertainty, which is not necessarily bad… just turns up the captivation factor. The Game basically has to do with captivating each other.
We all often wish for the most exciting part of relationships, where you stay up all night and simply holding hands sends shivers throughout your entire body. You are completely captivated by this person, and selfishly and naturally, everything else becomes secondary. I believe that this is a normal initial stage of love and it would be impossible for this stage to last forever… nothing would ever get done in this world. BUT, if you are already in a relationship or attempting to get into one… remember the way you treated or treat her/him and respected her/him at the beginning, the way you would do almost anything for each other, the way you would leave notes and put your jackets by each other… why does this stop? That is an unfortunate choice, choose to be different and always treat each other like angels. The result will be huge just as much as the effort will be huge… anyway, sorry slightly off the game subject. Oh well, don’t let the game die ever, be captivating… always.
12 responses so far ↓
john doe // December 16, 2006 at 1:00 am |
Your words spell a magnificent picture, one with pure emotional bliss. The Game, as you put it is a very exciting part of a courtship. It is also a confusing stage filled with decisions based almost purely in emotion. I can only hope that the honeymoon with god will be like this,(minus the confusion) he is the perfect lover only giving enough of his mystery to stir more intrigue. therefore, forever plumbing the depths of his mind. truly the greatest courtship ever.
Trying to mimic this relationship is the only natural thing to do, giving love begets love. so the more you give, the more you will receive. Its like the law of gravity. You will always receive what is promised to you.
You have a beautiful mind.
have you ever been to beautiful British Columbia?
Marie-France // January 5, 2007 at 11:52 pm |
there you go. I love you son!
jacouille // March 2, 2007 at 12:45 am |
eh bien mon vieux…
you have enlightened me
Stephanie JP // April 7, 2007 at 3:15 am |
How do you think understanding “the game” effects the mysterious factor?
pierre Dehaene // April 7, 2007 at 4:40 pm |
i don’t think there is a strong correlation between understanding ‘the game’ and the effects of the mysterious factor. the mysterious factor, as mentioned, is innately wired into our system, we are curious beings by nature, we want to discover, it captivates us. knowing the game only bring awareness…
anon // July 23, 2007 at 11:13 pm |
your so right about flirtation and mystery when initializing a relationship. but another part of relationships are sharing thing with each other that encourages a bond between the two parties of confidence and helps with the whole trust issue.
Anon4him // September 4, 2007 at 7:42 pm |
I lost the game so many times just from reading that post!
Anyway, I suppose that mystery does hold some captivation over another person. But what if one member remains captivated and shares herself completely, and the other decides there’s not enough mystery for him. What if the sharing of one’s self with another helps her remain captivated with him, then the game becomes either lose captivation or your lover will lose it. I suppose the right choice would be to stop doing the little things so that you won’t hurt when you break up. Where the alternative would be to have so much love for one person and have them turn away from you.
pierrejeande // December 22, 2007 at 12:53 pm |
Georg Simmel talks about this concept (ofcourse more intelligently) in marriage as well. just a side note
Dominick // July 5, 2008 at 4:37 am |
Really? Are those the only options? “The Game” is played virtually everywhere, I’ll admit. Of course there is mystery at the beginning, and yes, that is exciting. We like it, and it keeps us captivated until a certain point. But Pierre, your high school example is quite far from proving anything, except maybe that this girl really needed to grow up.
Like, really needed to grow up.
The game exists, even if we hate it. We’ve probably all tried to get in on it. But unlike you, some people don’t have the luxury of acting aloof. Some people just can’t afford to take that chance, because they don’t have a heck of a lot else going for them. And what girl honestly doesn’t love being passionately pursued?
Maybe it comes down to whether a person is looking for some fantasy of “love,” or whether he or she is looking for honest companionship. I’m married now, and I don’t remember ever holding anything back for the sake of holding her captivation, and she certainly didn’t either. We were both very intentional about being honest and digging deeply into one another. We always learn more, and that butterfly feeling I would get in my stomach when I’d see her when we were first dating has long past. Many people mourn this. That butterfly feeling didn’t take any effort, really. What comes after does take work, and that’s the good stuff. It’s terrifying to go there when you’re not used to going that deep even into yourself — that’s when people retreat. They lose the feeling, and they’re gone. We’re used to life being easy; we don’t work very hard to earn a night at the movies or to buy a new shirt, and neither do we work hard for those feelings.
The fact that “The Game” is so commonly played attests not to something we all share as humans but to our shallowness and fear of being truly discovered.
If you play, and you’re otherwise relatively attractive, women will be intrigued. But not all of them (and probably not the right one). Not everyone plays. And if you don’t play, you don’t lose.
pierrejeande // July 8, 2008 at 2:51 pm |
I think it is funny that i am talking about the game, with a title, “how to get a girl” and then get a comment that points out the immaturity of a high school girl example. Hm I was unaware that this type of behavior was one that stopped taking place once maturity was attained. So i apologize, this article is not for the mature, who have surpassed the tendency to be captivated by mystery and who have no feelings of apathy towards the ordinary.
“What girl honestly doesn’t love being passionately pursued?” i think you might be surprised at how many guys girls would not want to be passionately pursued by. Probably the majority. Attractiveness is not something that simply comes from being male or female. The man who professes immediate love, the desire to have 6 children, and already saving for the future family car – may not be the number choice for most girls. how come? is this kind of honestly unattractive? Maybe – but again it comes down to captivation. something about the person draws you to them – makes you want to discover more about them, the more there appears to be to discover the higher the attraction. The less there appears to be to discover the less the attraction. I think this is pretty much natural human behavior. Hence bringing God into the equation.
So the getting a girl is exactly about that – i think your description of your marriage is wonderful. But you already have a girl, a beautiful one at that – love is like life, it grows, it learns and it changes. Maybe the game gets a foot into the door, a chance to get to know a little bit more; discover the fuel to your captivation. nonetheless – i believe that the reaction to fading mystery is often negligent. Not saying that mystery doesn’t fade somewhat in a relationship – but there is something there that i don’t like. It takes effort as you said – and that is my point — The result will be huge just as much as the effort will be huge. You don’t sit back and relax the moment you get the papers signed – you still captivate. always. regardless of which form it takes on your journey of devotion.
call it ‘The game’ – likely immature; call it ‘Captivation’ – hopefully the grown version.
Ellisha Joseph // September 1, 2008 at 5:37 pm |
dear Pierre,
In skimming through your blogs, i think i’ve stumbled across a commom thread.
2 things: reluctance to the ordinary and a desire to maintain a sense of mystery..
Humans are guaranteed to be mysterious, overcomplicated, resourcefull beings as long as we are allowed to access and express our well of thoughts and perceptions. As for you, world citizen, there’s no need to fear the dullness of ordinaryhood, you don’t qualify.
There’s this phenomenon we’ve been learning about in sociology.. It’s about interaction. Every culture has an framework; an acceptable way people can communicate and be understood. You described one facit of this really well through “getting a girl?”..
It made me think about the two things i find common in all your blogs.
When weopperatewithin a society and culturewe’rein a sence quite ordinary. we have use the same channels of communication (the game) as everyone else..
People only become mysterious when they express a unique quality… everyone’s an individual, right? No one sees the world exactlylike you do, just like no one can see the series of impressions which fire of in m head while i read your blog… It’s when we open up our inner world to someone else that they can begin to appreciate the mystery of us.
When you know that someone is interested in all your little idiosycracies (sp?) you can be confident in their attraction to you, as opposed to them becoming infatuated in an idolization of who they think you are.
maybe?
Zultan // November 27, 2008 at 10:41 pm |
: ) yes – it’s a good point.. discovering and being pleased is probably what love is about (as far as relationships are concerned). this i think is part of the ‘mature’ game – captivation.
maybe?